Better not be, like, Contagious
by KuroiWinter
Summary: Renji has caught a super scary disease from the Human World, and now almost all of Seireitei is at risk. Why? Because it might be contagious, and certain captains are threatening their subordinates … with, like, death.


Hello! Welcome to my first piece of writing in a long time. I apologise in advance for the utter strangeness that this story contains. The quality isn't the best and I'm not exactly happy with the finished product, but having vanished for a long time, I ended up going 'oh well' and deciding to post it anyway. It's just something that appeared in my head and so I wrote it down. No, I'm not dead … However, hopefully I'll have a decent idea for something a little better some time soon. Anyhow, enjoy!

* * *

_Better not be, like, Contagious_

'Renji!' Rukia rushed through the doors of the General Emergency Relief Station, closely followed by Ichigo, and pushed and shoved her way towards where Unohana stood peacefully.

'Rukia! Wait up!' as he chased after her, apologising to practically every person he passed on Rukia's behalf, Ichigo fought the increasingly strong urge to face palm, 'Renji won't be going anywhere! And you're hurting people!'

'Ouch,' the rather deadpan statement came from a poor shinigami with a broken leg.

Who, coincidentally, Ichigo had just run right into while trying to reach his violet eyed friend.

'Ah! Sorry!' not pausing to properly apologise, the orange haired Substitute Shinigami kept crashing forwards. He id flush though, because it was always awkward when you were telling someone not to do something and then you did that exact same thing yourself.

'Where is he?!' barely restraining herself from grabbing Unohana (maybe by the braid, it was rather tempting), Rukia shouted in the captain's face instead, 'I heard Renji caught some terrible disease! We came from the Human World as fast as possible, but-,' at this point she ran out of breath and had to stop and gasp.

Unohana cast a calm gaze to where Ichigo had arrived, also panting, and then she smiled, 'Come right this way, and don't be too worried about Lieutenant Abarai. This disease is only terrible if you get irritated by repetition very easily,'

Following the smiling captain at a more manageable pace, both Rukia and Ichigo wondered about the meaning of her words. 'Irritated very easily' … well, they both thought that exact same thing about each other, but not so much about themselves.

'He's in there,' pointing to the door, Unohana smiled again before she turned around once more to depart, 'Don't do anything to him though, he's still recovering,'

'This just gets more confusing each second,' muttering, Ichigo walked after his short, black haired companion and into the hospital room.

Renji was sitting up in bed, eyes closed in an abnormally pensive way, but upon sensing their approach, he looked straight up at them and grinned in his usual way, 'Hey!'

'Hey?' as they greeted him somewhat hesitantly, neither shinigami could figure out what exactly was wrong. Even if most of his body was under the coves, the Lieutenant didn't seem to be in any pain or anything. On the contrary, he was as 'full of life' as he ever had been.

'Er … excuse me for asking, but why are you still here?' Ichigo, being Ichigo, thought it best that he be the one to pose the question, even if he ran a higher chance of being attacked when compared to Rukia.

'Nothing,' still grinning, Renji answered shortly and promptly.

'Then-,' Rukia cut herself off almost immediately, determined to figure it out using her own mental strength.

She didn't have to think very hard or for very long however, because as soon as Abarai opened his mouth again, it suddenly became very, very clear what was wrong … and why Unohana had said all of those mystifying things.

'I'm, like, totally fine,' not wiping the rather idiotic look off of his face, the shinigami began chattering on … in _English_, 'I mean, for a while there I was, like, no so great. But now, like, there's totally nothing wrong with me. So, like, I should be able to go back and, like, do my duties as, like, a Lieutenant is supposed to, you know,'

Rukia and Ichigo, now positioned right near the door, just in case they had to make a run for it, twitched violently with every repetition of the word 'like', and both wore expressions of great horror.

'Don't people who speak English say … _that word_, a lot nowadays? In countries … _such as_,' purposely and very deliberately avoiding _the_ word, Rukia shuddered as she tried to work out what was going on, 'America, Australia, England …' she tried to recall studying the countries of the world while in Ichigo's class at school, but her mind was pretty much blank, especially since she was sure there were a whole lot more of countries where English was spoken, 'Oh I don't know! But why is _Renji_-,'

'Are you two, like, talking about me over there?' somehow, Renji was still speaking English.

How, neither Rukia nor Ichigo knew. The red headed shinigami had certainly never taken the time to learn, so they didn't have a clue how he could be speaking the language so fluently. If frequent interruptions of 'like' could still be counted as 'fluent'.

Ichigo had learned the basics in school (Hello … how are you … it's nice to meet you … excuse me … … where is the toilet etc) and Rukia had heard some from the television, but how they could easily understand the Lieutenant was another unanswerable question.

'Shut up!' snapping in annoyance, Ichigo took a step towards the bed before Rukia punched him in the gut, 'Urk!'

'This is what Unohana warned us about,' she sounded way too serious, even considering the situation. It was like she was role-playing a character from some overly dramatic movie.

'You must, like, be meaning that woman with, like, the super long braid. Do you know why she, like, wears it down her front?' still grinning stupidly (both of his friends thought that his intelligence level had drop somewhat since he'd contracted the 'disease'), Renji struggled to free himself from his very tightly tucked in blankets, 'Could you two, like, help me out over here?'

'This is too dangerous!' shouting with her hands clapped over her ears, Rukia cast around wildly for some way of making sure Renji most certainly _did not_ escape from his bed, 'No wonder he can't be sent back to work. My Nii-sama would kill him after the second repetition, not to mention that expression and his sudden ability to speak English,'

'I agree,' nodding fervently, also shouting and only just able to hear Rukia because his hands were also covering his ears, Ichigo blinked rapidly, trying not to panic, 'Maybe we should gag him!'

'No, no, no! Like, oyagi gags totally do not work with hamsters,' how Renji had managed to mishear what they were _shouting_, was another one of those blanks in the Answer box.

Thankfully, Unohana chose that moment to reappear, still smiling, 'I see you two have come to understand what the problem is,'

Whipping around, both shinigami sent the captain imploring looks, 'Please! There has to be a cure! I can't cope with one more second of this!'

Apparently ignoring the interruption, Unohana continued, 'I came back to check on how you were getting on, but actually, I have a question too,' they both paused and stared at her intensely, 'Can you understand what Lieutenant Abarai is saying?'

'Yes,' they continued to reply in unison, something else which was mildly disconcerting.

Unohana nodded slowly, her expression changing slightly, 'Then I'm very sorry to tell you, but you have both contracted the first stage of the disease,'

'WHAT?!" the combined shout was deafening.

'You see, at first Abarai could only understand English as well, before he started speaking it,' she was very matter-of-fact, 'He'd bought some music in the World of the Living and it was in English. However, I believe that he had already contracted this disease and the exposure to the English language was simply what progressed the disease from its dormant state,'

'You've got to be kidding me,' Ichigo took this moment to speak without his second voice (Rukia was in too much shock to blink), 'I can't go around like that! I've got a reputation to uphold,'

Apparently that statement was enough to kick Rukia back into motion, 'Don't be so selfish!' she whacked the back of his head violently, '_I'm _the one who has to continue doing my duties in Soul Society! At least this isn't so uncommon in the Human World,'

'Don't call me selfish!'

As the two started to argue, Rukia including physical abuse as a bonus (for the expensive price of free), Isane appeared behind her captain. The quiet-spoken Lieutenant seemed very worried if her expression was anything to go by. The atmosphere changed as soon as Rukia and Ichigo noticed her presence.

Lips trembling, the tall woman fiddled with her sleeve for a moment before looking up and blurting out, 'I'm so sorry, Captain! But I think I've contracted Lieutenant Abarai's disease,' she hiccupped, 'It's just, like, unstoppable and I think since I've, like, been in contact with other patients that, like, this disease might be, like, spreading through Seireitei, like, right now,'

Rukia and Ichigo were speechless. Even Unohana looked like she hadn't seen that one coming.

'Hey you lot! Like, let me out of here!' Renji's voice broke the astounded silence.

'No! You're, like, a sick patient! You have to, like, stay there!' Isane responded immediately, still the caring medic even if her spoken delivery had abruptly done a one-eighty.

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged one more horrified glance before racing out of the Fourth Division faster than their feet could carry them. Which resulted in a big accident in the middle of the road, involving a cart, a high pile of full baskets, and two clearly-not-thinking shinigami.

'Ow,' sprawled on her back, having ricocheted some distance from the now stationary cart, Rukia groaned loudly, 'This is all Renji's fault! Soon everyone in the Seireitei will have caught the disease and I doubt we'll be exempt!' she looked ready to give up right then.

'Surely the old man won't be affected by something like this,' Ichigo, who hadn't gotten up either, called across to her.

Mental images of Head Captain Yamamoto going 'like' this and 'like' that sprung into Rukia's head and she was on her feet in an instant, 'We can't let that happen! All order would be lost! Justice would perish! Bunnies would overrun the whole entire world! KYA!'

'… Right, but surely there's something we can do,' Ichigo sweat dropped at the part about the bunnies, and even the justice bit seemed a little out there, but he let it pass since there were far more important things to worry about.

'Let's go alert people to the danger. They should stay away from anyone who has been to the Fourth Division in the last couple of days,' sounding determined, Rukia turned in the direction of the nearest office building, Ichigo mirroring the movement.

They made to walk off dramatically, but unbeknownst to them, their heads hadn't stopped spinning from the crash yet, and so they ended up staggering along like drunkards instead.

* * *

_3 hours later_

'Yeah! I was, like, we should totally do that and she was, like, that's great,'

'Oh no you didn't! That's, like, a complete mistake. Never, ever do that again or I'll, like, die,'

'This document isn't, like, filled out properly! You have to, like, be neater and more, like detailed,'

'Argh! There's no, like, toilet paper left _again_! Who, like keeps doing this to me!?'

'Somehow I think this will really, like, work out this time. I fell, like, more mature than when I applied for promotion, like, last time,'

'Don't you, like, sit there. This seat is, like, totally reserved,'

'DON'T SPEAK TO ME IN SUCH AN UNREFINED MANNER! I will personally see to it that you are, like, demoted!'

Ichigo, exhausted from all the running around and emotionally drained from the trauma of the day, couldn't believe his eyes or ears when Soifon started showing the obvious symptoms of the disease. After going around so many places, and hearing so many uses of _the _word, he shouldn't have been surprised.

'Actually, Ichigo,' Rukia, who was just as haggard, shook her head, 'I don't think going around like that was such a good idea. We probably helped to spread the disease more than anything,'

'You're right,' he sighed in acknowledgement, 'But at lease the Twelfth Division and the Fourth Division are now both trying to find a cure. And I've even seen some people trying to make their own herbal remedies or doing acupuncture and stuff,'

'I don't understand any of this,' she just shook her head again.

'Would someone care to explain what is going on?' a sharp voice drew their attention to the left, where Captain Hitsugaya was standing, arms crossed and a frown on his face, 'Matsumoto was acting strangely this morning, but I didn't realise it was because of a real disease,' he fixed them with a piercing look, 'You don't know anything more, do you?'

Ichigo paled, having heard more than one shinigami running past and screaming at the top of their lungs that 'Captain Hitsugaya is, like, totally going to freeze me to death', 'Er, no, we don't know anything more,'

'You haven't been affected, Captain?' Rukia certainly hoped he hadn't caught it, especially from them.

'No,' the answer was short and cold.

'R-right, that's good,' sounding awkward, Ichigo began backing away, 'Well, just in case, you should stay away from people,'

'Yeah,' following suit, Rukia bowed, excused herself, and sped off with Ichigo, having found a new reserve of energy from somewhere.

'This is terrible,'

'I know,'

'What do we do next?'

'I don't know,'

* * *

_Four days later_

'So I have concluded that, unless you want to undergo surgical modifications as Captain Kurotsuchi has suggested, then you simply have to wait out the course of this illness. It is not a disease like we originally thought, rather it is more akin to a cold and will eventually pass. Based on Abarai's case, who might I add has completely recovered now, this illness usually lasts around a week. If you frequently use _the _word then it is possible Thank you very much everyone for attending this meeting and I do hope you all get better soon,' Unohana smiled for about the thousandth time before stepping back to where her Lieutenant was (Isane had not yet recovered, but she was doing her best to push through the difficulties).

'Everyone is dismissed,' Yamamoto ended the meeting shortly. No one said it out loud, and it hadn't been confirmed, but there were a few rumours going around that Yamamoto also had the disease and sat at his desk while no one was around saying _the_ word as much as possible in an attempt to quickly get the illness out of his system. Whenever you saw someone randomly burst out laughing in the street, you just assumed they'd had a mental picture of the scene and no one batted an eyelid.

But, that aside, everyone was ever so glad that they wouldn't be listening to _the word _forever and ever as some people had thought initially.

The fact that the cause of the illness was still quite ambiguous didn't really bother anyone, but as soon as someone piped up and wondered if this would be exactly like a cold and come back ever spring or something (although others said autumn since hay fever had already coined spring), then they got death glares and isolation until they apologised and said that would never happen in the future or history of the entire universe.

* * *

_A glance around Seireitei_

Soifon had recently returned from the most uninhabited regions of the Rukongai is good spirits. She insisted that she'd been doing special skill training, like dicing leaves with her fingernails or meditating under waterfalls, but the majority of people just hid their knowing looks and pretended that she'd never had the illness in the first place. Because whether she'd done the special skill training or not, they generally had enough self-preservation to recognise that she was still a dangerous person.

Unohana, probably the most out of all the captains, left people guessing as to whether or not she'd been affected. Isane's loyalty meant she'd never let anything slip, but some patients swore that they'd heard the ever-smiling captain murmuring _the _word in a sing song tone as she passed through the Fourth Division. However, they never so much as whispered when they thought she might hear them.

Kyoraku and Ukitake didn't seem very bothered during the time they had the illness. Strangely enough, Kyoraku was affected less than his pale haired friend, but no one figured that secret out either. Nanao had the hardest time, though, because her captain took the pleasure of teasing her whenever she opened her mouth. She couldn't even scold him without blurting out _the _word.

Komamura was also one of the less severe cases, but whenever the illness became apparent, a certain small pink haired shinigami was there in an instant to 'encourage him'. Whatever that means.

Matsumoto was drunk for most of the time that her captain was affected, and no one else dared breath a word about the severity of Hitsugaya's case. However, a few keen observers noted that, for the first time in forever, they'd actually _seen _their captain _give_ Matsumoto alcohol. Which to them suggested that he'd decided it was better having a drunk Lieutenant than one who would tease him and never let him forget the whole traumatic experience.

Zaraki and his merry subordinates played games during the time they had the illness. For example, in one game they had to see who could say _the _word the most times in one minute, and in another, it was the person who could say it the least. Needless to say, whoever lost ended up facing practically the entire Eleventh Division, and this time they were alone. Some members from other Divisions thought that it was a good experience for 'those thugs' to feel what it was like being on the other side when encountering the Eleventh.

Conclusions?

The illness was actually not so bad when everyone realised it would go away. Optimism is sometimes the best thing in those situations. Also, quite a few of the captains are indeed very dangerous so it is definitely best to stay on their good sides.

Oh, and for a glance at how one of the captains meetings went in the middle of the epidemic:

Yamamoto begins, 'Thank you for arriving promptly today everyone, despite the recent occurrences,' some believe that when he sighed, he was actually just disguising _the _word and breathing it out, 'Today we will start with a report from the Sixth Division,'

The ever-dignified Kuchiki inclines his head ever so slightly before beginning. He talks for a very long time about certain things that certain people may be interested in, and just before he's finished, 'And that is all for, _like_, today,'

Needless to say, if anyone heard that, they immediately erased the memory.

As previously concluded, there are certainly some frightening captains in Soul Society.

* * *

But wait! What happened to Ichigo? And Rukia too? Weren't they right in the middle of everything when the whole incident started?

Well, Rukia secluded herself in a field full of rabbits and generally just worked _the word _into her normal sentences. Examples include 'I really like bunnies!' and 'You like carrots don't you?'. She dealt with the issue in a very efficient manner, since she was able to spend time with a lot of rabbits, and work the illness out of her system.

Yes, Rukia managed to maintain some dignity … if running around madly and hugging (read: crushing) rabbits while shrieking how much you 'like' them at the top of your voice can still be called 'maintaining some dignity'. Ichigo, on the other hand, did not think his plan through quite so well(?).

_Monday at a certain high school in Karakura Town_

'Kurosaki, are you sick?' a worried teacher peers at the orange haired teenager over her glasses, whether or not she can see clearly that way is questionable, but that's not the point.

'Mmm-hmm,' forcing the sound through tightly clenched teeth and pursed lips, Ichigo sits stiffly at his desk. He's wearing a white face mask, sunglasses and a hat (why the hat … ask Ichigo). Presumably the sunglasses are to hide the panic and embarrassment which would undoubtedly show in his eyes. He's pretty convinced that the slightest slip up will mean the end of his reputation. How his alternative is much different, only he knows.

'It's not contagious, is it?' is she worried about the class, herself, or her student … Misato does a good job of making that indistinguishable.

Someone's chair creaks. Another person sneezes. Uryu audibly wipes his glasses. Distantly, a toilet flushes.

'IT'S, LIKE, TOTALLY CONTAGIOUS!'

* * *

Why he couldn't keep his mouth shut … well, in the end both the unusual getup and the outburst would probably have resulted in a memory no one would forget in a while. As for Ichigo, he's probably given up on maintaining his reputation. In the universe which this story is set, anyway.

* * *

Well, thanks for reading. Sorry again about the randomness of this story, just something I wrote quickly in a spare moment. When I glanced through this before writing this little afterword, it seems like a whole bunch of short snippets bundled up together. Oh well, that's just how it is.

Thanks again!


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